Monday, October 18, 2010

I'M SO SORRY.....IT'S LIFE GETTING IN THE WAY!!!!

It's been almost a month since I made a post.    It's a full time job taking care of Bill.  He has always depended on me for his every need and I blame myself for that.  Now it is magnified 100%.   One of these days I'm going to make a list of how many times he calls my name during the day....and I never know when he really needs me or if he wants to know that I'm still close by.  A lot of the times, he doesn't even know what he wants when I go.  He will say, "I just wondered where you were and what you were doing."..   This morning at 4 AM his started.  I got up to see what he wanted.....he couldn't sleep (because he slept all day yesterday)  If he is awake, he thinks I should be awake.  I didn't go back to sleep.  That is the way  most of my nights turn out to be.  Sleep won't come to me during the day.  When he is asleep, I try to sleep and I can't.   I have a dark room in the basement.  You would think it was midnight there in the middle of the day.  I'm in the process of cleaning it out and putting up a bed to see if I can take a nap when he does.  And I don't know if his brain isn't getting enough oxygen or it's the morphine he is on, but he is saying the strangest things.  Ryan and Lucas have been with me for four days.  I took them to the mall Saturday.  Gary called and was laughing,  He told me what Bill had said.   He told Gary I was out selling tickets for The Bonnie Kate Theater in Elizabethton.  That is one of the oldest theaters in TN. and if I'm correct, it has been out of business for years.  Bill said I was out selling tickets Saturday.  My Oh My!!!!!Things like that ....I'm keeping a journal....maybe one day it will make me laugh all over again.  Right now he is having a BM (excuse me)  and he want sme to stand by his bed until he gets through.  He has to have a diaper because where he used the bedpan, he has raw places that I have to dress every day.   I know this sounds awful, but I wanted you to know I'm still alive....I started to say and well....but I have seen better days.   I think my better days will be after I'm dead and gone.  I will try to post more often...bare with me!

13 comments:

Ladyfromthewoods said...

Clara, bless your heart! This sounds so much like what we went through when my husband's dad was living with us. It left us completely drained and feeling alone and unappreciated. I remember him wanting us around for the oddest things (like the bathroom thing) and he needed us for both the tiniest tasks plus some that made it too easy to start feeling resentful some times. I hope you will take the help that anyone/everyone might offer. I'm glad you do get to go out and do things sometimes with Lucas and Ryan and Lisa. I'll be praying even harder for you and Bill also. This is a VERY hard time and you should know that you are appreciated for what you are doing - even when you don't feel it. YOU ARE APPRECIATED AND LOVED!
(((hugs))) Teresa

Marci said...

Big hugs to you Clara. We understand why you aren't able to post as much. Hang in there my friend!!! Praying for you.

Clara....in TN said...

Thank you Teresa and Marci....That's the part that's so hard. He shows no appreciation whatsoever. He even told me the other day that I couldn't do anything right. I have just about killed myself for him. And I will keep on doing it as long as there is breath in me. I love him and I have always loved him, but somedays I don't like him. Does that make any sense? I don't ask him for anything....but about a week ago, I ask him for something....to let me sleep in the mornings until I get ready to get up... If I can sleep, that's when I get my best sleep. I'm always up by 8 AM. Is that asking to much of him? He is still in his right mind. Do you think he lets me sleep. Many morning he will wake me up at 5 and tell me he is hungry. It doesn't matter if I haven't slept but two hours. I'm sure he wouldn't starve until eight oclock. I have tried to go to another bedroom, but I can still hear him yelling my name. I'm tired!

Margie's Musings said...

Clara, I am so sorry! I must have missed something. What's up with Bill???

Clara....in TN said...

Margie, He has been sick for 18 years but bedfast since January of this year. He has had six heart attacks, Two different triple by-pass surgeries, a ruptured aorta, is a diabetic, has thyroid trouble. Only 15% of his heart is working. The Doctors and all the hospice nurses do not understand how he is still living. Even his heart Doctor said he had done all he could do for him. He wasn't a candidate for another heart operation. He was maxed out on all of his meds, so the Doctors put him on home hospice. They help me a lot with their support and have taught me how to change his dressings and all the other things when they are not here. I don't know where I would be without them (and a higher power watching over me) (and him) Some days are worse than others. Some days I can tolerate his inconsiderateness and some days I barely can. Today was BAD!

Lola said...

Bless you Clare for all that you are doing. I fully understand what you are going through. It could help a smidgen if someone would give you a couple breaks at least per week. My step-children couldn't do that. Not to mention his siblings.
Hang in there, God will see you through all.

thesouthernlady64 said...

Clara, you are a beautiful person and I don't see how you do what you do. My mother killed herself doing what you are doing for my father. He lived a long time after she was gone and was a complete invalid for 11 years of his life. My mother cared for him and then my eldest sister. He did not know any of us and he was in diapers, too. We put him in a nursing home for a while but my sister got him out. He did not even know when he came home. I know he would not have wanted to live in the shape he was in. You need to get away from your situation as much as possible and not break yourself down trying to move him as well. My mother was a small woman and my dad was 6 ft. in the beginning. He broke her completely down. You are an amazing person. I am praying for you and you are in my thoughts. Don't ever worry about not posting. We all know you are here. Love and hugs.

Clara....in TN said...

Thank You Judy, I'm trying my best to stay above water....or maybe above ground. Every day seems to get harder. Some days I go outside just so I can't hear him yelling for me. I told him one day I was tired and he said he didn't care so somedays I don't care that he is yelling for me. I'm already telling a big difference in myself. I would rather have ten babies to wait on!

Mountain Mama said...

God bless you Clara. You certainly do have your hands full. I hope things will soon be better for you. I haven't blogged in quite some time either but it's good to be back.
Hugs

Mountain Mama said...

CLara I just thought that maybe you can get ear plugs. It wouldn't be wrong to do that. After all you have to look after yourself and get some sleep and some time to yourself too and if he is so demanding you must do something. Maybe if he yells enough he wil get laryngitis.

Beth said...

Oh, Clara...I am so sorry you're going through such hardship. I took care of my mama (who had ALS) for several years and my daddy , so I do know how intense caring for someone who can't do for themselves can be. But I know it's even more difficult when they don't appreciate what you're doing. I'm glad to hear that you do have some help from the hospice people---Lord knows you sure need that respite. I think it's a great idea to step outside when you just can't take it anymore. You're only human. I always feel renewed when I go outside and listen to the birds and look up at the big blue sky and inhale that crisp, cool air of fall. God bless you, sweet one. I will pray for you. Please know that there are many people who do appreciate what you are doing and who love you and your kind spirit.

Beth

W. Latane Barton said...

God bless you and keep you, Clara. I know exactly what troubles you face each and every day.... and night, too. After Elbert was admitted to the nursing home I finally started sleeping during the night.

Caregiving is such a draining thing and yet we do what we can because we love them. Just hang in there, post when you can for your blogging friends care about you.

Clara....in TN said...

Mountain Mama (Bev) I have tried ear plugs and they don't work. If you could hear him yell, you would know why. I'm the one who gets laryngitis because he can't hear ME when I talk in a normal voice...and then he thinks I am mad because I have to talk loud.....I can't win for losing!

Lola....thanks for the post . God is my helper!


Beth....Thanks for the prayers.

W. Latane...Thanks for the comment. I read your both of your blogs, but don't always comment. You said you started sleeping all night when Elbert went into the nursing home. If I slept all night I would think I had died and gone to Heaven!